Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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