omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
