and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
