alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
