At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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