I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
