she was so not down for the gang bang
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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