life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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