Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
