I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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