i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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