Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
