yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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