please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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