How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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