Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
