I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wear drunk well.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
