After last night, I could never be a politician.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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