Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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