FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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