then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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