Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
