Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
