Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
