My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
