It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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