don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
