I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
God I need to hump something, right now.
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