How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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