Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
