my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
