drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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