During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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