I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
