is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
