I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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