Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
