I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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