nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
