ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
