Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
