woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
babies were throwing up all over the place
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
