but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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