Umm I'm too high to move.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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