Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
