I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
