Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
