This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
