We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
