So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
