Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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